she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
