I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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