I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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