I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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