so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
