Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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