So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
