ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
