Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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