my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
