You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please come you make the beer taste better
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
