what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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