Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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