i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
