A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
