i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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