Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
