do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
