And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
