3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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