I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
