Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
