at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
