HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
