I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
