I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
