dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
