Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
