I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
