The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
