he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
