Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
