My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
