Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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