i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
