I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
