There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
