You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
