theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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