he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
