the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I want her autograph on my taint
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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