It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
