mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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