I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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