the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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