I need help removing her.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My hand turned me down
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
