she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
