Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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