I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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