I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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