Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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