Already got asked if we're dating
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
