He had one of those small greek statue penises
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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