i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
