you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
