Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
