She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
