If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
