My friends, they love my intelligence
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
