the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
