fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
