and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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