Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
