Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
